Hey guys, my name is Dr. Antonio, I’m your host of The Live Loud live podcast, we’re keeping this on currently, the podcast track, just so I can upload and post this. But this is a newer vlog series that we’re going to be doing, where I’m going to be re reliving sharing. I don’t even know all the words for that. But my journey, my adventure through this transition, I’m going through personal development and growth with psychedelic therapeutics, particularly right now, psilocybin journeys. And if you did not see the first episode of this series, right before this, go check that out. I read recount, my first psilocybin journey. And what had happened through what was my thoughts leading into it, kind of my experience, and then kind of on the other side, how I felt coming out of it. And now what I’m going to do is share an in between, I have a new journey coming up here in the next week, we can have to two weeks. And kind of what I’m doing in the interim, the integration part that we talked a little bit about. And then also just some of the thoughts and things I’m still struggling with and and what I’m what I’m kind of dealing with. And now I’m sharing this from this is this is this can be helpful to anyone but where I feel most quote unquote, I guess, drawn to just being that this is the life that I’m currently living is sharing this with other dads. Because everything that I was dealing with, almost most parents are so I do not want to separate that. I’m just saying dads for right now, you can be a mom, and you can feel this stuff too. So it’s not unanimous parenting, but for many of us in these relationships, you know, as a me as the dad, I feel more of the obligation, not even obligation assignment obligation, because it’s not that I don’t start something I don’t want to do, it’s just the responsibility of financially providing, right, putting a roof over our head, having warm meals, to eat healthy meals, to eat, having warm clothes, enough clothes to wear, right. And that is something all parents feel. But as just for me, I’m just saying, as a dad, I feel more of that responsibility. And I put more stress on myself for that so that they can live, you know, a wonderful life, we live in America. So obviously they will. We’re in the top, you know, whatever percentage in the world, let alone United States, but the sense of providing and giving them and wanting to give them anything and everything that they could possibly want. And so that just was what was weighing on me and for me, in my opinion is if you’re not growing, you’re dying. If you’re not moving forward, you’re moving backwards. But yet at the same time, when you look at physics, a body in motion stays in motion, when you look at it from the relative standpoint of the course of its lifetime, at any one given point, it might appear motionless, because of this constant trajectory. And what I am trying to learn is a stillness in practice in that we can obtain and be everything with all these resources, which are pretty much in this. And to any amount, when we are able to experience what’s what would otherwise appear, you know, describe as nothing, right? And it’s this being present of the every day of the person you’re having a conversation with, it’s to your spouse, to your kids, whatever that is. And sometimes it’s even to just yourself, and that’s the thing that I struggled the most is I just have so many of these autopilot programs set in my head that when something happens, I get this feeling and I just do this and usually it’s this, this like this, this feeling of stress or anxiety where I hold my breath, or my I start breathing faster or a number of different things. And it’s not because anything bad even happened. And so what my goal has been over the in through the help of who I’m working with Ashley is to try to recapture that feeling of when I had that breakthrough during my session, which ended up being for me was this feeling where I take these breaths and I just simply say this is real, right? I was so worried about everything else. going on, and I’ve lost focus of this. And I said, this is real this is the only thing that I really have control over is my response in my feelings, to the external environment, world stimulus, whether that’s, you know, notice that my student loan payments are changing, whatever that might be a bill for property taxes, right? You got that bill from the grocery store that was higher than you had anticipated it being, you know, a number of different things. The kid had the other kid over the head for like, the 100th time when you’ve asked them not to write so many different things. And it would just, I would just start building, building building building. And it was just be these autopilot programs that were causing a lot of stress and anxiety over me that in and of itself, each individual one wasn’t, wasn’t horrible. But as we use in our practice, we use this model of of saturation, right? So imagine you have a sponge, and that sponge through the external environment will be dried out, whether that’s time sun, all these sort of things, right. But if you have a faucet on it, and it’s barely open, and you just get a drop here and there, that sponge is going to be able to dry out before it gets saturated, and all the water spills out. But for some of us, if we don’t have the practice of helping dry out the sponge, this would be recovery, exercise, sleeping, stress management, so on and so forth, then you’re ultimately going to stay saturated and or if the flow of stress input increases, then it becomes saturated, and then everything starts spilling out once it becomes overwhelmed, right. And that over that spilling out could be you know, bursts of anger, more yelling, road rage, who knows what it is for you. But for others, it can start to be physical manifestations. And that’s what was happening for me, as I shared previously, I got some blood work done, my cortisol levels are up, my testosterone levels are down. I was living this life that I was like, I’m okay, I’m okay. And part of this is, as we said, this too, as a parent, is you go through the seasons of life, where you’re not going to be able to do all the things that you were previously doing. But what I, what I left out was I don’t even know if you want to call it this, but like this bare minimum standard, I did not hold myself to a high enough standard, but yet I was acting like I was and let me let me clarify that I was acting. And I was putting more stress on myself because I was telling myself my standards were high, but they actually weren’t high enough. It was kind of like this, they’re you’re doing okay, man. And that slowly just was killing me, it was killing me off, right. And it was adding more stress and anxiety because of all that. And so my goal for these weeks is this integration, right is when a feeling comes up a thought, or you know, because I’m literally as I’m talking to you something just popped in my head of something else I got to do, right?