What’s up, guys, welcome back to another episode of The Live Loud live podcast. My name is Antonio, your host today the Live Love Life podcast. For those of you who are here, just thank you. I like I like doing these, I like doing these. And that’s it’s a funny thing where you know, so much of our lives are dependent on outcomes. And that is how I have been, I don’t want to say program but, but thought things were supposed to be. And don’t do anything, unless there’s some sort of outcome, forgetting that then the outcome of doing something is your own personal satisfaction, enjoyment or happiness, or whatever that might be. And this is just another form of communicating that I find to be super enjoy. It’s super, super joyful joy, what I’m talking about right now, I tend to enjoy a lot. Now I will say, me personally, and this is just scheduling. Logistics is I prefer to have a conversation with somebody else. Most of us don’t like, you know, just only having a conversation with myself, which is sometimes what it feels like. I’m like, literally thinking about something as I’m rattling it off. But I do have some thoughts prepared. It’s not just me spitting off top my head. But sometimes I like how that goes. Right. And that’s what I wanted to talk about today is this reflection. Opportunity. Now, this is a, let’s call it a recap of the last. What would that been two month and a half? Since my life last psychedelic therapy session, and the overall things are good, things are good. And you know, I think some people would hear that and be like, well, good, doesn’t sound as good as it could be. I’m real good. What’s added to that, like, I’m really good. And I’m going to talk a second here, about me. And this is kind of kind of weird, and sometimes interesting. Because very rarely, I’ll take that back, some people like to talk about themselves a lot. We’re not gonna get into that. I don’t like to talk about myself a lot. And I’ve been trying to talk or think about myself a lot to help me. And it has been a good reflection, in the sense where there are times as I’m self reflecting or thinking that I am thinking too much. And then I tell myself to stop and sit and just breathe. My mind will oftentimes as I’ve previously shared, I’ll go seven layers deep into something. And sometimes it is a good idea I II, oh, this would be cool. What would that look like this, this, this and this, oh, then I would need to do this, this and this. And ultimately, logistically, I would have to also do this. So that’s kind of good. But oftentimes that seven layer depth, that seven layer dip, that seven layers deep that I’m going is oftentimes completely unproductive where some thought would pop into my head, and it could have been something I remember from the past or something I’m worried about in the future. You see where I’m going with this. And all of a sudden you’re playing this, what if scenario about things that, you know, the statistical chance of something like that happened is so so rare, and I can feel it kind of get this work up in me, where I’m either stressed or anxious about it, and not overly where I’m having like a panic attack, but you’re like, Damn, how the hell did I get there? Right. And sometimes this is a worrying, whether it be financial, or my health or the health of my kids, or you know what I’m doing as a parent. That’s a big thing that Michelle and I they’re working on lately is parenting. We’ve been reading a great book, it’s called good inside, and dealing with the different layers of complexity of your kids as individuals and their own unique ways of learning and understanding and how they feel man heavy, hard stuff. And we get into this parent guilt trip of like, oh, oh shoot, I’ve said this, or I did this wrong. And if I’m doing that consistently, and now what I’m dealing with is probably something that happened to me and my past was kind of into my kids. And you know, that’s how it just goes. But ultimately, right, the reflection of understanding this has been super helpful, because in the past, what would happen is I would spiral spiral spiral spiral into all these unique situations, and then they would just get, you know, a mind of their own or have this momentum. And that momentum would just carry further hype. hypothetical, what if scenarios, that again, some could happen, majority probably won’t happen. But just the energy of that all, even if it was, if even if it was in a positive direction, was weighing down. And so one of the things that I have found to be super helpful in this post integration is the simple fact of reflection. And I have been, I don’t know all the names, so I apologize, because this is against so new. Listening to different academics, philosophers, you know, I don’t even know how necessarily thought leaders, these would, how would you even classify some of these individuals? Psychologists, a lot of them are psychology as we’re trying to understand consciousness in our mind. And there is, there’s an amusing point to all of that, which I am nowhere near the understanding that some of these individuals are, but yet that then sometimes my thought is, you know, this whole thought of why we think we know so much, but we really don’t still. And that’s what’s so cool. And yet, that was what was so daunting to me previously, is wanting to know all the answers needed to know the answers. What’s the best for this? What’s the best for this? You know, we deal with this so much in our office, and I have my own worst patient? What’s the best exercise for this? I don’t know, let’s try some of these. Right? What’s the best diet? I don’t know, let’s try some of these right? You know, this reflection of ultimately Sandy, just like I was beating myself to pieces, trying to find the one the answer that this the that and forgetting the actual journey piece, and I used to mock and be super frustrated at the quote, or the saying is the man that enjoys the journey better than the destination will go farther than the man who’s who, who’s who loves the destination. Because I was always like, well, you know, I need more of this, I need more of that, you know, presenting a sense of lack of what I don’t have. And you know, I need to be more financially stable, I need to be smarter, I need to understand this more. And that was putting so much pressure and stress on me from not enough of a performance standpoint, but like an understanding standpoint. And then honestly, one of the one of the most relieving things that I experienced in the first session is this understanding is like there is no answer. And depending on there’s so many factors that influence where you are right now, and to determine that you need to do this this or this to be in a different place. You have to take so many things into consideration. And so what I have experienced over the last little bit is this constant battle of letting go and I still don’t got it I still don’t sit on habit. Still working on it. And I still feel like you know, I was just sharing this with the show the other day I still feel like there’s this thing like I’m so close to jumping off and soaring or doing whatever but there’s still this hesitation or reservation and in a lot of this is because this is unknown. This is so unnatural to me. Even just saying it I’m like, really this is anatomy which is comical. It just seems so unnatural to who I was and what I believed before and my lack of understanding and ultimately now from a lyric from a song that’s just like I just play over and over. And I apologize never looked up the pronunce the pronounce the right pronunciation but sad thing, Trevor Hall. I want to know more than I know right now. And in trying to just drive this curiosity of There’s so much I don’t understand. There’s so much we don’t understand, and I won’t ever know and I gotta just let that shit go for sure that I will ever fully understand or comprehend something to its greatest stability, and just being more open about the unknown and learning and this is something that I’ve been reading, listening to a lot of Dr. Joe Dispenza, His work of, of the uncomfortableness of what the unknown is, knowing. That’s why we live in the Times background. That’s why we oftentimes live, this is not my thoughts. This is again, I’m reiterating what I’ve been gathering I’m learning I’m trying to give credit where credit is due,

Anthony Gurule  10:27

is living in the past in the present in the or sorry, the past in the future, right? Is we remember the past well, so that’s easy to live into. And it’s very specific, because it already happened. And yet we are then trying to create this predictable future, if we just keep doing what you’re doing is pretty much going to repeat itself. And it’s the today of the kind of this unknown of just being like, man, anything can happen. And being okay with that, and being open to not knowing everything. And so, my Antonio, three months ago, four months ago, whenever this kind of started, if I would have assessed myself of what I’ve been doing over the last few months that I would have honestly been like, yeah, I take that back. I’m trying to be soft on myself here. Like he’s a slacker, he’s not doing it all the things that he should be doing, based on what I’ve, you know, previously thought my goals or wants were. And these last few months, I’m still not there. There is no there. I’m still not where I would comfortably want to be from like a grounded standpoint, but I’m good. I’m really good. And I feel good about that. And I have been taking more time for me, and I’m trying to be the better client patient student that I would tell somebody else to do. I tell tell, I encourage I coach, I communicate with others being like, Hey, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Guilty, right, run myself. And again, I’ve shared it before I Stress hives. Like I was putting myself through everything cortisol levels high were everything, I was burning myself to the ground to just, you know, get an inch further. And everything was forcing it was 14 as foreseen. And I still don’t know how I still don’t know how but I’m learning how to sit and think and breathe. And sometimes not think but create feelings about who I want to be and what that feeling would be so that I can better assimilate myself now in this present future to more of who I want to be think I could be desire to be in desire. And wants maybe aren’t the right words indicating that I am not enough now but more of just this potential of who I who I could be right, because I think that was one of the themes that I came across is this untapped potential, whatever that meant is I knew I’m not living the best that I could live. And then it and then it’s where it gets super interesting is like, Alright, well that rubber hits the road, what are the things that I’m doing? What are my actions and behaviors that are currently now that are not helping me? Be the person that I could be? Right? What are the repeatable actions that I’m doing that are usually then you know, my paths defining myself or programming myself or whatever however you want to describe it? Is we are creatures of habit. So what are my habits that I am doing that are not in alignment? Or in in congruence with who I know I can be? Those are the tough ones. Those are the tough ones because you just some of these things you just do. Right? And for me a lot of it is is diet and part of this diet thing is like I’m not you know, well while we look from the inside and we do like a blood plan or something. I could polish some things off some of these are genetic as far as like you know, triglyceride and certain cholesterol levels and things like that, but argument at least can still be changed dramatically. But from but from if you look at like what I eat on a on a week, you know what kind of encourages 8020 rule but now it’s whisking interesting. It’s like okay, well, that’s fine. That’s that’s what you were doing previously. But if you want to get here, and you’re here, that might not work. And one of the biggest things for me, which I have struggled for a while is and this comes back in tune to to this kind of pouring from an empty cup of just doing the things that you don’t need to do to make you the better the best person that you could be is See this? Oh, how do I want to say it? Not slack, but this kind of forgiveness around just kind of eating whatever that’s that’s kind of how I’ve always lived my life as like a young teenage boy, shit, you could put as much food as you want. I mean, I could eat it and I would still be relatively Lean thinking like, Oh, I’m just eating, I’m so lean, I’m probably doing okay. And maybe it’s just 36 talking to me, and things are changing. But ultimately, it comes down to like a discipline. And I was thinking about this today. And Jaco willing says this, over and over again, disciplines equals freedoms, but it’s the nose in life, that gives you the yeses. By saying no to all these things you get, if you want to say it better, yes, as you get more opportunities, right. And that’s, it’s is, I’m saying this out loud. And that’s part of what this just communication is, is me saying that things that I know, to somebody else, and then it’s always a self reflection. And I’m going to say two things on that real quick to try to tie it all together and wrap up is, is oftentimes, I’m saved real quick for fights on my head, the things that you don’t want to do is the thing that you need to do, and the things that you oftentimes either criticize, or or, I don’t know, if you actually criticize or judge or look at somebody else are oftentimes an inward reflection of what you’re actually struggling with. Okay, let me put those together, is, there’s so many times again, like this self reflection of me being the the, not the ideal client is, when I am when I am talking with somebody about those changes or doing things and I’m just simply saying, in my head, I’m like, I’m looking, I’m talking to this other person who is not me, but I’m talking to me, I’m literally saying like, well, you know, you know, you need to do this. Like, if you want to lose weight, you got to eat better, you know, you need to do this. And it’s so funny, as even when I’m getting mad at my kids about something, I’m like, You’re not like, what was an example I just had is, on my Hey, you’re, I don’t understand why you’re so frustrated. Like that. Like, it seems like we’re super frustrated, a whole bunch of things. And all this stuff is making you super anxious, and you’re really short your brother or sister, your parent, or your mom and dad and I, and all that stuff. And as I’m saying, and I’m like, I’m literally I’m talking to Mike, I’m talking to one of my kiddos, but I’m talking to me, like everything, I’m getting mad at them about, um, I’m not mad at myself about but I know, it’s something I need to change. And so that outward expression of my frustration to somebody else, is just what I’m frustrated with myself. And it’s funny when you actually start like, thinking about that and understanding again, how just like a second nature of program is to lash out or reach out or, you know, take it out or those those sounds so negative but but have that expression towards somebody else rather than yourself. And so I just want you to think about that as oftentimes the thoughts you have towards somebody else, or, or something that maybe pops into your head because of some of the analysis is sit on that and see like, is that actually what I’m frustrated with them about? Or is that something I’m frustrated with myself about? You know, which is a super interesting, just thought exercise exercise to do. And I apologize when I read on that note, I completely forgot what that part two was. Forgot my notes over at the table. Give me a second here. I was slowing down. I was rambling there. The inward reflection of the things that you know you need to do, I believe it was that is it is being just, you know, honest and accountable with yourself. And that’s ultimately when it comes down to. And so over these past few months, there are still so many things that I struggle and wrestle with that are unconscious, just things that pop into my head that I’m working on, just letting go just like the clouds come in and out. But there’s there’s things that I know behaviorally, systematically, habitual, you know, whatever it is, is one word trying to change ourselves. You can’t be doing the same things that you’re doing. Right? If you want to change yourself, you need to change so much of what you’re actually trying to do. And when we’re when we’re going through that process, we don’t expect you to change everything at once. It can’t be you really can’t do it all at once and if anything is going to be overwhelming, and the product of success, I saw this, Alex or mosey who is an entrepreneur, business educator, you know, that magic pill we talked about as everyone wants the one thing that will help them just break through and be huge and ultimately all the good businesses. They basically take a lot of little things and they change them over time. So as you’re consistently refining that, that’s where you see that ultimate growth and product Have who of who you are and who you want to be. And that’s what I’m trying to, you know, project myself as is like, Okay, well, what are some small little change that I consistently hack away at, and make these small adaptable changes to make me the best best version of me that I can be.

Anthony Gurule  20:17

And that’s the last few months has been more of a reflection points where I don’t, you know, like a lot of my goals and ambitions, they’re still they’re still there. But it’s but but it’s now coming with a different lens and a different focus, and more forgiveness. Because ultimately is like, I felt like I wasn’t good enough, if my goals weren’t accomplished within the next year, everyone talks about, you know, financial freedom within six months, or all those things. And that that could, if that’s ultimately what my goal was, I could definitely set my mind to that and accomplish it. But there’s other things in life right now that are more important than that. One of which is family, which I was, I was, I was honestly losing and not present for because of how I was mentally acting and behaving, if you want to call it that. And so these last few months have just been an awesome reflection of what’s actually important right now, where do I want you want to be? How do I want to define my goals and my timelines from an outside perspective, but more importantly, how to want to I want to define, you know, maybe my goals of who I am, and mile markers of goals of consistency, rather than outcome goals of the process of what I need to do habitually, to obtain this ultimate potential of, of what I am capable of, which has no limit, which is scary and kind of awesome at the same time, because if I’m not at my full potential, which is ultimately growth, you know, am I not? Yeah, I don’t know, I just had a thought to that, that I need to sit down for a little bit. But but and there’s no judgment against that. But my new goal is the process of consistency and creating the habits around some of those. And oh, the diet, that’s where it’s coming back to. And ultimately, one of those is, which for me, which many of us have around the New Years, is this diet aspect. And oftentimes, the the doing of the diet, which, you know, many would argue is not the right way to think about this, but it’s the stain of the nose that give you the better yes, is right, it’s, for me, I know, it’s this, this sense of eating better, cleaner, whatever you want to call it, is not necessarily like the extreme health benefits of what it gives you. But it’s the process of saying no to all that other stuff, which will ultimately give me so much more in return from not only a healthier body, potentially a better physique, as I cut out some of the fluff than the fluff comes off me, but also the discipline in nature of doing that, which then creates better discipline, habits and behavior for other things. And it’s been a crazy couple weeks and months after this, but I’m okay with not being okay and fully where I want to be. Whereas before I wasn’t, and I encouraged so many of you who are listening to this, to sit on some of that and and understand that it’s okay to not be where you want to be because we’re in the process. And where you want to be, that’s just one more data point along this whole long trajectory line. Right Thinking that, like, I used to just think, I guess, whatever retirement or fashion freedom would be, and I was like, Okay, well, I guess, you know, 2.0 lifestyle, I can do all this other stuff, but like, why can’t I do a lot of that now. And so ultimately, there’s a lot to sit on, there’s a lot to reflect on. And I apologize as this rant or, you know, long winded thought, at times seems ill defined and going but, but that’s part of what it is, is we’re trying to just think through these things and grab on to a few things that we find to be beneficial for us and ideally, let go of a lot of other things. And as I say no to certain things, letting go, I’m going to gain more. Right? As you sit and reflect, you’re going to better understand what is actually constructive to you and your thought process and your mindset or your body whatever that is and what is not that you can let go. Right. And understanding the journey and the process is a constant level of refining, polishing building destruction. Nope. build that up. That was not what I needed. tear that shit down, move on whatever and just keep going to that next thing and stop reflecting so much on all the things I’ve done wrong, you’ve done wrong, we’ve done wrong. come at it with a understanding of learning from those mistakes. Don’t just keep doing the same shit twice, which I’ve been guilty of mistake, a mistake done twice as a habit. I can’t remember who said that. Or as a choice sorry, mistake done twice as a choice. We’ve all been guilty of that before. But not judging myself. Like I’m clearly making a choice. Why am I making this choice? I don’t want to be making this choice. Is there something that’s driving me to make this choice? Or can I simply stop making this choice and move on to something else? Right. So thanks for sticking with me. This has been a it’s been a fun learning process. I’m real good. I hope you are too. If you’re not. There’s there’s resources. Ask, the biggest thing I would say just ask ask someone who’s close to you and just be like, Hey, I’m struggling with this. Do you have any insight, and those that care about you will help will help you find potential resources, either online or nearby that can help you and it does not only have to be so that’s like psychedelic therapy. I mean, I know I’ve shared so much about the benefits for me, that’s not for everybody. And that’s okay. Not everybody’s done it and they’ve improved. So we know there’s multiple roads to Rome. And it doesn’t have to be just this way. But ultimately, there there’s got to be worked on still. It’s not just like we just sit back and shits going to change. And that’s the one thing that I’ve realized more and more is like I’ve had to work harder at this stuff than I ever had before. But it’s bearing immediate fruits right now and I can only you know, hope and imagine what those would the fruits of my labor of work now we’re going to be in the future.

Hey what’s going on guys, welcome back to another episode of The Live Loud life show. We can’t live that live show now to like podcasts, everyone’s got a podcast I’m just playing was call whatever we want, right? I am going to be doing a continuation of my recap, and sharing my journey with doing these psychedelic journeys. I’ve been telling everybody about this. And I’m trying to just be as open about it as possible so that other people who are dealing with similar things can maybe start researching, start asking some more questions and get curious about it, which is that’s been the coolest thing about this is so many people are just like, wow, that’s really interesting. And I’m very curious about that. Tell me more, where do I learn about more, and then providing some resources kind of around it from at least what I’ve seen, and what I’ve known, which is still like, I feel like I’m just at the tip of the iceberg of this. But I’ve been very, very excited about this. And the reason why is I’ve just felt stuck for so long, and stuck man in a bad way. But not in a good way. You know what I mean? I just felt like, there were certain things in my life where I was just going through the motions. And I couldn’t really get any further. And a lot of this was which, which I’ve been reflecting on and I want to share about is, is for all the output and work I’ve been doing. And part of this is patience and knowing some things take time. But I feel like for all the efforts and things that we’ve been doing, we were seeing minimal outcome or improvements for which argumentatively is part of the systems, the processes, the bottom the model for certain things and refining the which is part of the journey, again, and so I’m not getting hung up on that. But part of what we were doing within the seasons of life, I have four kids, my oldest just turned eight yesterday. So we are eight, five and a half, three and a half and six months. And I know there are other people that are doing other things. Greg, big, great big things that have more kids. And it’s not about a competition on that. But for us right now is we’re just poor. We’re tired. You know, like this morning, I was up at 3am with the youngest because he wasn’t sleeping well. And my wife had been up with him multiple times throughout the night. So I tried to you know, help out from what I could, excuse me. And that ended up with him sleeping well from like 330 to five 530 on me, but then I was wide awake. And it’s kind of hard to keep a child awake and then want to read to have the light on. It was a holding, I’m not going to do it. Anyway, so that’s the season of life we’re in. And we’re just feel like we’re just I was just running myself into the ground. And as I described already, is that my blood work was showing that right? My cortisol levels were high. Stress markers were high. testosterone levels were low that was affecting mood and energy levels, so on and so forth. And so it’s just like, I need a revamp. And yes, a lot of that revamp is because of what I was describing was a physical symptom or ailment. But it was because of all the stress and all the anxiety that I had that was basically just running me into the ground, whether that wasn’t sleeping as deeply as I could, and then making maybe not optimal choices when it came to diet or exercise or you know, and that’s the hard part of what we’re dealing with health care is it’s so multifactorial as you cannot just say this one thing is causing this there are some instances where it’s like okay, well clearly you broke a bone, you know what I mean? But even then you could say, Okay, well, how did you break the bone? Was it by sheer accident? Right? Was there a loading issue that was happening? Could we have been stronger? Could we have not put ourselves in the situation regardless of we’re just trying to indicate that the recovery process in whatever this is we’re talking about health and fitness is a multifactorial approach. And for me I always just thought about the physical. I always just thought about the physical I thought my mental fortitude if you will, was pretty solid. But now in seeing this and opening up my mind and my consciousness around this stuff is like I was not in a good place. And I wasn’t in a bad place where I was having negative thoughts about doing something obviously about it, but I was definitely having negative thoughts towards myself towards my abilities. You know, jealous thoughts about other people and what they’ve been doing because I maybe wasn’t there and a lot of comparison and things that would be considered just not healthy for the individual and your mind. and thus limiting yourself for your growth in what you’ve been able to do. And I just always struggled with that whole concept of like, your mindset and getting your mindset, right, because I just felt so stuck, I was just in this loop that I could not get out of. And I feel like we’re just breaking down. Now this barrier to get me out of the loop to be able to do more. And so I’ve been reflecting a lot about, you know, how I might have gotten here. And I think there’s a number of things that might have happened. And not any one in particular, that stands out more than the others. And a lot of it was just, you know, friend groups between middle school and high school, the way that they acted and treated people and that rubbing off on me when I know that wasn’t me, or, you know, just certain instances, that just kind of just reflecting in my mind that I was just hanging on to and that’s what the second journey session was about. And I’m gonna get into it here in a little bit more, but but I’ve been in a really good healthy reflection way recently. And it’s more about awareness. And we talked about this so much from a physical standpoint, but But now I’ve been talking even more about from a mental standpoint, for excuse me, prenatal moms, postnatal moms, people are dealing with chronic injuries is this and I don’t want to use the word mindset, because I feel like it’s overdrawn in the sense of just more of a voice awareness. Right. So when you’re dealing with pain or injuries, and this could be physical or mental pain, right, as being aware about the triggers that are causing it, right? Do you have control over do not have control over it. And in regardless of what those the inputs or the external environment is, that’s triggering it is, those are all outside of you, there’s only one thing that you have control over. And it’s your response. And that’s what I was not doing well are having healthy responses to certain situations, and those were just slowly eating away at me or tacking on. And the same holds true for the physical response, right? It’s just like, Okay, well, I’m in physical pain. If there was an external thing that caused the pain, ie I might have lifted too much, or whatever that is, I don’t have control over what I just did. I can be more mindful about a next time. But now I’m in pain, what am I going to do about it? It could be rest, it could be movement, and lots of different things, right. And so the same holds true in mind when we’re sitting there is I’m feeling a certain way feelings are bad, but why am I feeling this way? And can that thought is that thought actually critical or important to what’s going on right now? Or can it something that just floats away, but I would tend to just hang on to those and then just replay it, and have almost like this internal conflict in my head, what seemed to be 24/7, and it’s obviously not 24/7, but to be quite frequent, and then just getting stuck in that loop. Right. And so last time, as a recap, I found this sense of peace. And it’s been the integration part as as indicated, the medicine and the journeys hold, own as there’s like the stamp mark of this change. But the integrative model and how it applies to the rest of your day in your life is the critical part. And that’s the work this is like a lot of times, and that was there’s almost like this guilt, and doing this as like, I shouldn’t need to do this, like I need to be mentally stronger. That’s the whole like issue, right? Is it’s okay, it’s like this, the road that I’m taking is the path that I need and the road that I need. And I needed some help I needed some help from these medicines to get me through what I’m going through. And and I completely lost my train of thought was that and so what I was referring to though is is getting stuck is oh, it’s it’s not that I’m just like taking this medicine and doing this trip and I come fixed it there’s work to be done. And every day I’m still trying to do this work to figure out a little bit more about how this applies to me my paws airplane overhead I apologize. Tea or Coffee SIP

Hey guys, my name is Dr. Antonio, I’m your host of The Live Loud live podcast, we’re keeping this on currently, the podcast track, just so I can upload and post this. But this is a newer vlog series that we’re going to be doing, where I’m going to be re reliving sharing. I don’t even know all the words for that. But my journey, my adventure through this transition, I’m going through personal development and growth with psychedelic therapeutics, particularly right now, psilocybin journeys. And if you did not see the first episode of this series, right before this, go check that out. I read recount, my first psilocybin journey. And what had happened through what was my thoughts leading into it, kind of my experience, and then kind of on the other side, how I felt coming out of it. And now what I’m going to do is share an in between, I have a new journey coming up here in the next week, we can have to two weeks. And kind of what I’m doing in the interim, the integration part that we talked a little bit about. And then also just some of the thoughts and things I’m still struggling with and and what I’m what I’m kind of dealing with. And now I’m sharing this from this is this is this can be helpful to anyone but where I feel most quote unquote, I guess, drawn to just being that this is the life that I’m currently living is sharing this with other dads. Because everything that I was dealing with, almost most parents are so I do not want to separate that. I’m just saying dads for right now, you can be a mom, and you can feel this stuff too. So it’s not unanimous parenting, but for many of us in these relationships, you know, as a me as the dad, I feel more of the obligation, not even obligation assignment obligation, because it’s not that I don’t start something I don’t want to do, it’s just the responsibility of financially providing, right, putting a roof over our head, having warm meals, to eat healthy meals, to eat, having warm clothes, enough clothes to wear, right. And that is something all parents feel. But as just for me, I’m just saying, as a dad, I feel more of that responsibility. And I put more stress on myself for that so that they can live, you know, a wonderful life, we live in America. So obviously they will. We’re in the top, you know, whatever percentage in the world, let alone United States, but the sense of providing and giving them and wanting to give them anything and everything that they could possibly want. And so that just was what was weighing on me and for me, in my opinion is if you’re not growing, you’re dying. If you’re not moving forward, you’re moving backwards. But yet at the same time, when you look at physics, a body in motion stays in motion, when you look at it from the relative standpoint of the course of its lifetime, at any one given point, it might appear motionless, because of this constant trajectory. And what I am trying to learn is a stillness in practice in that we can obtain and be everything with all these resources, which are pretty much in this. And to any amount, when we are able to experience what’s what would otherwise appear, you know, describe as nothing, right? And it’s this being present of the every day of the person you’re having a conversation with, it’s to your spouse, to your kids, whatever that is. And sometimes it’s even to just yourself, and that’s the thing that I struggled the most is I just have so many of these autopilot programs set in my head that when something happens, I get this feeling and I just do this and usually it’s this, this like this, this feeling of stress or anxiety where I hold my breath, or my I start breathing faster or a number of different things. And it’s not because anything bad even happened. And so what my goal has been over the in through the help of who I’m working with Ashley is to try to recapture that feeling of when I had that breakthrough during my session, which ended up being for me was this feeling where I take these breaths and I just simply say this is real, right? I was so worried about everything else. going on, and I’ve lost focus of this. And I said, this is real this is the only thing that I really have control over is my response in my feelings, to the external environment, world stimulus, whether that’s, you know, notice that my student loan payments are changing, whatever that might be a bill for property taxes, right? You got that bill from the grocery store that was higher than you had anticipated it being, you know, a number of different things. The kid had the other kid over the head for like, the 100th time when you’ve asked them not to write so many different things. And it would just, I would just start building, building building building. And it was just be these autopilot programs that were causing a lot of stress and anxiety over me that in and of itself, each individual one wasn’t, wasn’t horrible. But as we use in our practice, we use this model of of saturation, right? So imagine you have a sponge, and that sponge through the external environment will be dried out, whether that’s time sun, all these sort of things, right. But if you have a faucet on it, and it’s barely open, and you just get a drop here and there, that sponge is going to be able to dry out before it gets saturated, and all the water spills out. But for some of us, if we don’t have the practice of helping dry out the sponge, this would be recovery, exercise, sleeping, stress management, so on and so forth, then you’re ultimately going to stay saturated and or if the flow of stress input increases, then it becomes saturated, and then everything starts spilling out once it becomes overwhelmed, right. And that over that spilling out could be you know, bursts of anger, more yelling, road rage, who knows what it is for you. But for others, it can start to be physical manifestations. And that’s what was happening for me, as I shared previously, I got some blood work done, my cortisol levels are up, my testosterone levels are down. I was living this life that I was like, I’m okay, I’m okay. And part of this is, as we said, this too, as a parent, is you go through the seasons of life, where you’re not going to be able to do all the things that you were previously doing. But what I, what I left out was I don’t even know if you want to call it this, but like this bare minimum standard, I did not hold myself to a high enough standard, but yet I was acting like I was and let me let me clarify that I was acting. And I was putting more stress on myself because I was telling myself my standards were high, but they actually weren’t high enough. It was kind of like this, they’re you’re doing okay, man. And that slowly just was killing me, it was killing me off, right. And it was adding more stress and anxiety because of all that. And so my goal for these weeks is this integration, right is when a feeling comes up a thought, or you know, because I’m literally as I’m talking to you something just popped in my head of something else I got to do, right?

Hey what’s going on guys, good morning, my name is Antonio Gurule, this is the Live Loud live podcast, we have not done an episode for quite some time now I’ve recorded a few before my fourth son was being born.

And before, which is kind of what I want to talk to you about today. But I want to share a really cool experience. And to tell you what I’m going to talk about, I’m just going to get it out right and right away, is I did a psilocybin journey or session with a friend of ours who is a therapist, a healer, in this facility, so it was guided.

And I wanted to just share my experience and we you know a little bit about why I did it and what the future kind of holds for that. And that was a part of, you know, part of the part of the interest in it is there was just so much in my life that I felt I just felt stuck stuck is the best way to describe it. I feel like I’ve been living in the past. And my anxiousness and frustration about trying to be a father and providing for my family. And you know, savings and housing, it’s not just about the material things, it’s just about, you know, about their their safety.

And in parenting, I apologize, I got this weird hiccup about parenting and about, you know, you know, do we save for them for their college do we save for them to help them with this, because we were fortunate enough to have my parents do that, and a lot of different things. And in the past, you know, this lived out life podcast was a medium in direction of helping sharing information that can help you through health and fitness.

And we talked about this wellness wheel wellness wheel model multiple times, and doing these, these audits in these check ins with all those categories in your life, whether that be spiritual, financial relationships, your actual physical health itself. And I’m going to preface this story with in the recap of what happened with the last few months. Now, after having a new baby, the last few months are always a little crazy.

And that’s how it was for us. And there’s always a little bit more stress, you’re not sleeping as well. You know, obviously babies have certain needs in from toddlers and older kids. And then you had the other toddlers feel that energy shift and change because you’re not giving them the same time and attention that they had previously. But it’s just a lot of energy and commotion.

And so notoriously those times are always I would say a little bit more challenging, if you will. But this the all those things that was our feeling was not from just the last few months, this had been years and years and years of stuff, just compiling and stacking on each other. And it kind of came to this, this point, this culmination where everything just kind of I don’t want to say erupted because there wasn’t anything bad. But just spilled over is the best way to describe it.

And we use this analogy of spilling over. And that’s when symptoms are usually created, right, these symptoms and these things are happening within your body, but oftentimes they’re going unnoticed or unregulated and or ignored. And then eventually, what sometimes happens is you just read this culmination point and everything dumps completely exaggerated and then stuff spills over. And this is what was happening to me in my life. Right.

And I was be I was overwhelmed, I was stressed. And we’ll talk a little bit about you know, how those external environments or stressors are coming on, but then also, it was just my relationship with those and how I was not handling stuff, right. And, and the key here I want everyone to take away with is everybody is at a different point in time in their life. And I was at this point in my life and the history and experience of dealing with these types of things was not dealt with well in the past nor did I learn I would what I would argue skills and or those skills that I had learned had been overrun by a different program or default mode that that served my body and what my body thought was better but not necessarily.

And over the years it just built up from and this goes back this goes high school to college to be honest, it’s not just the last few years of having kids and to the point where you know, you’re shorter with with with friends and family and you know me as a parent, just more stress on the kids and not having this leeway of action on being kids and being too rigid and all this stuff and you know, my wife could feel it and I could feel it. And you know, I know Nothing like a panic attack or Emily dabit is just feeling like just like,

Fuck, I don’t know what next to do blah, blah, blah. And that’s what stuff is, you know, setting goals. And we’ve created these visions and stuff. And I know part of it is just, you know, the perseverance on that. But when you get into this place, or just feel stuck, it’s very hard to mentally get out.

And those and that’s what I just did not have, it did not have what I thought was enough tricks, tools, or understandings or practice or formulas that can help me get out of that. And I was just stuck, and I kept spinning. And I’m sure a lot of you feel this way. And then and then what happens is, when you feel that way, you end up forcing it more, I gotta do this, I gotta do this, I should be this, I should be that and I need to do this.

And I need to do that. And one of my biggest shifts from this weekend is is, is shifting a lot of that from should to must in, and we’ll go over that too. And I have to to get Tuesday, and I’m just going to, I’m going to introduce them, we’ll get into that here in a little bit. Excuse me, but that’s what it was. And then, and then with that I just physically started feeling drained, like I’m getting these crashes.

And you know, there’s another element to that, which we’re also going to talk about, and you know, I’m not sleeping well, certain aches and pains are hurting more than others. I’m not working out the same amount that I that I would like to in that my body enjoys. And everything just felt forced, everything felt frustrated, everything felt stuck. And it just kept just like kind of boiling up.

And God bless my friend Ashley, she’s been in this world for the last 10 years. She’s currently getting her PhD. in psychedelic therapeutics, she has helped so many people, and you know, wives Talk That Talk. I’m talking with my buddy and her husband, and you know, we’re having a good time and my wife is sharing, you know, with her love for me is just, you know, some of the stress and subsequent on and obviously, you know, me and me and me and Brian are talking because we’re like, oh, man, this this and you’re thinking and we’re talking about investments and all this and how can we set our family up for the future? And Ashley just reached out to me, she’s like,

Hey, I know you got a lot going on. If you’re curious about what my work can do for you, let’s have a conversation. And I’m like, Hey, I’m totally open, like I need something. And it’s one of those things is when there’s Cairo or PT, there’s so many fantastic practitioners and healers out there, that sometimes you just got to be open to that I knew what she did. I just didn’t feel like I was at that point, because I was you know, being resistant. And there was an ego to me figuring out like, I want to be able to figure this out on my own. And that has been a big struggle of mine is just asking for help. In general, whether it’s delegating tasks, even asking my wife and I need to do something about the house because I feel that maybe I feel more validated through helping more who knows there’s a number of different things, but I have always struggled to do that.

And so for me, it was just note, this is my issues. I’m gonna figure it out, just like I’m just gonna keep, you know, trudging along, and I’ll have a breakthrough. I’ve you know, I’ve honestly felt that perseverance was part of it is just, this is just a, this is just a small bump in the road, it happens to everybody, I’m just gonna figure it out. It’ll be good. But then I started realizing just like why, like, if someone if someone knows a better way and or can guide you down a better way to get you there faster, why wouldn’t you even?

Why would you even just have a conversation around that or explore that opportunity? Now I know there’s financial and time there’s a cost for that, right? So there’s, there’s there’s something to consider there. But some sometimes that investment is what’s needed and necessary. And this is that time I just, I’m just like, I’m done, I’m, I’m stuck. I feel somewhat broken, frustrated, I don’t feel at peace, and then that just spills out, right, that just spills out into so many different avenues. You’re not enjoying life, you’re not seeing things because you just get into this program of reliving the past and being anxious about the future. And as they say, Today’s the present, and you’re not enjoying that gift. And that’s where I was day in and day out.

And so that brings us to my first jurnee session with psilocybin. And we did a breakdown of you know, not necessarily the expectations, but some of the things that are just going on. And then she guides you to help ask certain questions, or what would this look like if you did X, Y and Z and a lot of this just came back down to just holding space and and I’m going to walk you through as much as I can memory and recall. And we’ve gone through some sessions we’re gonna go through a follow up on this is only a week ago, of a little bit more detailed on certain things